I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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