you would pick up someone in the library
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
