Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
