I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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