Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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