i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
