My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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