Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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