I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
