You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
