you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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