woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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