I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
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Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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