Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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