i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
