i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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