I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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