So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just threw up on my dentist
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
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Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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