shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
