Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
