The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
