Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
