I puked a lego.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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