Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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