I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Randomize
