Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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