good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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