My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Blood and glitter go together right?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
