remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
