I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
