Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
