I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
