i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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