someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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