You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
