I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
