she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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