First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
