tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
