All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
