it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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