when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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