Swine flu. Run for my life!
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
