I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
