I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
