you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
