you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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