so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
