My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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