i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
