i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
