We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
