nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
