I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
