from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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