I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
