one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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