Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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