That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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