I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
